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Alice's Adventures in Wonderland - 1972 - Josef Shaftel

Lyrics by Don Black
© 1972 by Valeness Music Ltd.


Curiouser and Curiouser - Fiona Fullerton

Curiouser and curiouser,
I find I grow curiouser,
But each time I ask a question,
Why, there's no reply.

Some days are gloriouser and gloriouser,
They can't be more gloriouser,
But soon as those days begin to die,
I'm back to why .

Curiouser and curiouser --
What does it mean? --
Where am I going? --
Where have I been? --

Curiouser and curiouser,
The world makes me curiouser.
I've so many dreams that come and go.
Why is it so?
Does no one know? --


You've Gotta Know When to Stop - Davy Kaye

The shedding of tears should wet your cheek,
Not soak you through and through, --
And cakes are things you put away
When you've had one or two. --
Too much of anything can only do you harm --
So may I give you this advice straight from the palm.

You gotta know when to stop, you know,
Put on the brakes and take it slow.
It's worth us repeating again, --
You gotta know when.

A merry-go-round is fun to ride
But not for very long.
You have to curb your appetite --
At times you must be strong.
A little less is better than a little more --
A camel's back went crack one day all for a straw.

You gotta know when to stop, you know,
Put on the brakes and take it slow.
It's worth us repeating again, --
You gotta know when.

We all like to laugh and joke about
And play those silly games
Where ev'ryone pokes out their tongues
And calls each other names.
But keep on making faces and you'd best beware
For in the morning you might find that they're still there.

You gotta know when to stop, you know,
Put on the brakes and take it slow.
It's worth us repeating again, --
You gotta know when.


The Last Word is Mine - Michael Crawford

I'm right all the time, so just refrain.
Disobedience and its ingredients I just will not entertain.
Don't answer me back and we'll be fine.
The last word is mine.

"So go on -- do as you're told, Mary, at once!"

I can't be Mary 'cause
Mary is dumpy, why, Mary is fat!
Mary's got freckles and sings like a cat.
I'm not Mary.

"Don't be stupid -- of course you are! If I say you're Mary, then you're Mary!"

You won't make me budge, my word is law.
Time's diminishing, we must be finishing;
You are a pest and a bore!
Be off with you, child! Go sulk and pine!
The last word is mine!

"So go on and fetch my gloves and fan, Mabel, at once!"

I can't be Mabel 'cause
Mabel is skinny -- she looks like a bean.
Mabel is stingy, she's ever so mean.
I'm not Mabel.

"If I say you're Mabel, then you are Mabel!"

You won't ever learn that I am right.
You're unteachable, your brain's unreachable,
In fact, you're not very bright.
I'll tell you once more, then I'll resign.
The last word is mine!


The Pun Song - Robert Helpmann, Peter Sellers and Dudley Moore

A riddle or a pun
Can provide a feast of fun.
The worse they are, the best they are,
It's hard to find a rotten one
But once you find that jewel,
The feeling's beautifewel.
These are the kind that we all find
Quite irresistibewel!

"I've got one! Who walks like this?"
"I haven't the faintest idea. You tell me -- Who walks like that?"
"Aha! I do!"
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
That's awful! That's absurd!
It's as bad as anything I've ever heard!
It's madness, it's insane!
But not half as daft as this one
That I managed to obtain.

"Where was the Magna Carta signed?"
"I don't know. Where was the Magna Carta signed?"
"It was signed at the bottom!"
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
What drivel! What a blow!
You have bruised my brain by stooping quite so low.
What stupid revelry!
But it's not as bad as this one
That a cuckoo told to me.

"How do you find out the weight of a whale?"
"I don't know. How do you find out the weight of a whale?"
"Take him to the nearest whale-way station!"
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
Pure piffle, what a shock!
Your distorted mind is full of poppycock!
It's nonsense, ev'ry word,
Yet it can't compare to this one
That I must have overheard.

"Which King of England wore the largest shoes?"
"Oh, I'd love to know. Which King of England did wear the largest shoes?"
"The one with the largest feet!"
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
Oh, rubbish! You are sick!
You remind us of a looney lunatic!
You're merely a buffoon!
If you carry on like this
You'll be as mad as us quite soon!

"What did the father ghost say to his son?"
"I don't know. What did the father ghost say to his son?"
"Spook only when you are spooken to!"
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"
If it's sunny or it's rainy,
If you're dumb or if you're brainy,
You can sing the zany
Pun song!


I've Never Been this Far Before - Fiona Fullerton

I've never been this far before;
It's twice as bright, I can't think why,
But it feels as if there's two suns in the sky. --

I've never felt this strange before;
The world seems like a birthday cake
And I think I'll take a slice before I wake. --

There's so much more for me to find.
I'm glad I've left behind behind.
I used to think that's all there was
And now I'm so surprised because

I've never been this far before;
I've never known a better day
But if I come back,
At least I'd know the way. --


The Me I Never Knew - Fiona Fullerton

The me -- I never knew -- began to stir -- sometime this morning.
The me -- I never knew -- appeared without -- a word of warning.
You smiled -- and you uncovered what I -- had not discovered.
You made me see the me I never knew.

The me -- I never knew -- has learned to love -- and loves the feeling.
The me -- I never knew -- can see a world -- I've been concealing.
Today -- a new song's playing; The words -- are simply saying
From now -- I'll be the me -- I never knew.


Alice in Wonderland - 1985 - Irwin Allen

Lyrics by Steve Allen (* and Lewis Carroll)
© 1985 by Meadowlane Music/Golden Torch Corp.


I Hate Dogs and Cats - Sherman Hemsley

I hate dogs, and I hate cats;
I'm also not too fond of bats.
I'm a helpless little fellow,
Consequently -- rather yellow.

Now you may think that dogs are sweet,
Since they love to snuggle at your feet,
But to me they're oh, so large,
That I tremble when they charge!

Now certain words like big and small
Mean what? Would you please tell me!
To me all cats are 10 feet tall,
So I worry when they smell me!

I run from owls, I hide from hawks,
I scurry from whatever squawks.
I'm a coward from my whiskers to my spats!
But I tell you straight,
That I really hate:
Owls! Ducks! Hawks! Bats!
I hate dogs and cats!


There's Something to Say for Hatred - Martha Raye and Imogene Coca

There's something to say for hatred,
For rudeness and for spite.
Oh no, my friend,
We can't pretend
That everything's sweetness and light.

There's something to say for trouble,
For nastiness and gloom.
Just try to be cheerful,
And you'll get an earful
Of your impending doom.

This world is not a paradise,
If, indeed, it ever was.
It's a vale of tears,
And so, my dears,
Throw out the chaff?
Don't make me laugh!

There's something to say for mis'ry,
For suffering and pain.
Down at the bank,
Now let's be frank;
They only care for gain.

There's something to say for frowning.
Why must we always smile?
Forget all your dreams;
Resort to schemes,
And in just a little while;

"The best laid plans of mice and men"
Will all come crashing down again,
And we'll all despise each other
In the grand-est style.


There's No Way Home - Telly Savalas

There's no way home from this strange land.
Don't even try to understand.
You're lost in time without a trace.
Resign yourself to your disgrace.

Somehow you've strayed and lost your way,
And now there'll be -- no time to play.
No time for joy, no time for friends;
Not even time to make amends.

You are too naive
If you do believe
Life is innocent laughter and fun.
There are things to fear --
So you see my dear, --
Your adventures have only begun.

The world's immense, but sad to say
It makes no sense in any way.
So what care I if you should cry?
There's no way home.


Laugh - Anthony Newley

Laugh -- at every single thing we do.
Just laugh -- and we shall all perform for you.
Just smile -- and tensions will unwind, --
And you'll find --
That your mind --
Takes a kinder view.

Laugh, -- yes even when your skies are grey.
Just laugh -- and troubles seem to float away.
You'll find -- it's very true, my dears, --
Through the years --
That your tears --
And your fears will fly. --

Oh, there are times when crying
Seems the thing to do,
But keep on trying
'Til your dreams come true.
Your heart, I'm sure, knows what is best for you
So laugh -- little girl, just laugh.


Why Do People ...? - Lana Beeson

Why do people act as if they're crazy? --
Why do they behave the way they do? --
Don't they understand
That the things I've planned
Are dreams that I demand
Come true?
Why can't they be kind to one another, --
And see the beauty of the golden rule? --
Will there come a spring
When we'll know how to sing
That there are better things
To do?
Will there come a day
We'll all know how to say
I love you, --
I love you? --


Off With Their Heads - Jayne Meadows

When there are people who annoy you, --
Or seem determined to destroy you, --
There's just one thing that must be done:
Off with their heads.

When there are people who deceive you, --
Or have the nerve to not believe you, --
There's one response that's rather fun:
Off with their heads.

Firm; -- you must be absolutely firm when required.
Squirm; -- that's what they'll do when they perceive they've been fired,
Or worse!

Never mind negotiation; --
You will find to rule your nation, --
All you'll need to keep your slaves under their beds,
Is just to flounce about and shout,
"Off with their heads."


Nonsense - Ringo Starr

Please tell me, young lady, just what is so good,
About never once being misunderstood?
There's far too much accurate communication,
And if it continues, I fear for the nation.

Nonsense! Nonsense!
That's what we're terribly short of.
Don't you love nonsense?

(I'm not really sure. Well, sort of.)

We're getting lethargic
From aiming at logic,
Let's put a stop to that.
If you don't love nonsense,
I'll knock off your hat!

Nonsense, nonsense!
Simply can't do without it.
Burn incense to nonsense,
And sing us a song about it.

Let young master Billy
Be hopelessly silly
Until he
Is blue in the face.
We must never be grave.
'Tis nonsense will save
The bloomin' --
Human --
Race!


I Didn't; You Did - Anthony Newley and Roddy McDowall

I didn't!
You did!
I didn't!
You did!
I didn't!
You did!

Why deny it? Be a good sport!
I'll explain it to all of the court.
I offered you tea and you drank a quart!

I didn't! I didn't!
You did!


How Do You Do, Shake Hands - Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gorme

How do you do? Shake hands!
Welcome to you. Shake hands!
It's really quite important to be proper.
And don't you dare be dumb or you may come a-cropper.

The weather is fine. Shake hands!
The pleasure is mine. Shake hands!
And though the meeting
May be fleeting,
It's so lovely don't you see,
If you'll -- shake hands -- with me.

The weather is fine. Shake hands!
The pleasure is mine. Shake hands!
And though the meeting
May be fleeting,
It's so lovely don't you see,
If you'll -- shake hands. --
Don't be a fool, -- shake hands. --
If you'll -- shake -- hands -- with me. --


The Walrus and the Carpenter* - Steve Lawrence, Eydie Gorme, Karl Malden and Louis Nye

The sun was shining on the sea,
Shining with all his might:
He did his very best to make
The billows smooth and bright --
And this was odd, because it was
The middle of the night.

The moon was shining sulkily,
Because she thought the sun
Had got no business to be there
After the day was done --
"It's very rude of him," she said,
"To come and spoil the fun!"

The sea was wet as wet could be,
The sands were dry as dry:
You could not see a cloud, because
No cloud was in the sky:
No birds were flying overhead;
There were no birds to fly.

The Walrus and the Carpenter
Were walking close at hand:
They wept like anything to see
Such quantities of sand:
If this were only cleared away,
My friend, it would be grand.

If seven maids with seven mops
Swept it for half a year,
Do you suppose, in that much time,
That they could get it clear?
I doubt it really could be done.
At least by me, my dear.

Oh Oysters, come and walk with us!
We truly do beseech.
A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,
Along the briny beach:
We cannot do with more than four,
To give a hand to each.

The time has come, I'm quite convinced,
To talk of many things:
Of shoes -- and ships -- and sealing wax --
Of cabbages -- and kings --
And why the sea is boiling hot --
And whether pigs have wings!

But wait a bit, if you don't mind,
Before we have our chat:
For some of us are out of breath,
And all of us are fat!
We do not wish to hurry you.
We thank you much for that.

A loaf of bread, and butter, too,
Is what we chiefly need:
And vinegar and salt besides
Are very good, indeed --
Now if you're ready, Oysters dear,
We can begin to feed.

But not on us! If it's all the same,
And strictly entre nous,
For after such a kindness,
What a dismal thing to do!
Shall we have some wine?
The night is fine.
Do you admire the view?

It was so kind of you to come!
And you are so very nice!
Talk is cheap, by the briny deep;
Cut us another slice!
I wish you were not quite so deaf --
I've had to ask you twice!

It seems a rather dreadful shame
To play them such a trick,
After we've brought them out so far,
And made them trot so quick!
Say what you will but as for me
The butter's spread too thick!

I weep for you, my little friends.
I deeply sympathize.
I sob a sob and I weep some tears,
All those of a larger size.
Oh, hold your pocket-handkerchief
Before your bloomin' eyes!

"Oh, Oysters," said the Carpenter,
"You've had a pleasant run!
Shall we be trotting home again?"
But the answer came there none --
And this was scarcely odd, because
They'd eaten every one.


Jam Tomorrow - Carol Channing

Jam tomorrow, jam yesterday,
But never, ever jam today.
I said, jam tomorrow, jam yesterday,
But never, ever jam today.

You can wish as you want,
You can want as you wish.
Still you'd better hear me say:
Jam tomorrow, jam yesterday,
But never, ever jam today.

Not a shade
Of marmalade;
Neither jelly nor honey,
For love nor money,
Never, ever jam today.

You can wish as you want,
You can want as you wish.
Still you'd better hear me say:
Jam tomorrow, jam yesterday,
But never, ever jam -- today! --


We Are Dancing - Lloyd Bridges

I take your hand,
I understand,
And we are dancing. --
Without a word,
It seems absurd,
But we are dancing. --

We didn't need a cue,
Yet with a girl like you,
It seems the thing to do,
Don't you agree?

(Yes I do)

I hear the strings,
My poor heart sings,
And we are dancing. --
We share a smile,
And for a while
We two are dancing. --

If ever time should bring
Another year, another spring,
They'll be compared --
To what I've shared --
With you. --


Can You Do Addition? - Carol Channing and Ann Jillian

Can you do addition?
What is one and one and one and one/
and one and one and one and one and two? --
Can you do subtraction?
Eight from nine and two from eight,
And six from three and one from seven, too? --

Can you do division;
Six divided by a three and then a two? --
Yes, you! --
Can you multiply, my dear?
Then what are three times six, and two times ten,
and then again? --

Addition,
Subtraction,
Division,
Multiplication!

Can you do addition?
What is one and one and one and one/
and one and one and one and one and two? --
Can you do subtraction?
Eight from nine and two from eight,
And six from three and one from seven, too? --

Can you do division;
Six divided by a three and then a two? --
Yes, you! --
Can you multiply, my dear?
Then what are three times six, and two times ten,
and then again? --

Forget your slumbers,
Recall your numbers.
Just add up the list.
Just think of pluses and minuses;
It's sure to clear your sinuses.
We simply must insist! --


Emotions - Ann Jillian

Is the ocean level as a pool?
To think so you'd have to be a fool.
There are millions of waves in an ocean, --
So something obviously keeps them all in motion. --

And do you stand motionless, my girl?
No! You constantly are running in a whirl.
But since you've come, uninvited, for this visit, --
I should think that you'd -- be wondering -- what is it?

Should I reveal to you the secret, my dear?
Yes, your Majesty, that's what I want to hear.
When the world seems full of trouble and of strife,
What moves us through this crazy game of life?

Emotions, emotions; --
They're much stronger than magical potions.
They make us behave as we do. --
You may like it or not, but it's true.
Emotions, emotions;
When we smile or we frown, that is why.
Some are good, some are bad,
Some are sweet, some are sad.
Can't escape them, however we try.
We've emotions, my dear, 'til we die.


To the Looking Glass World - Red Buttons, Lana Beeson and chorus

To the looking-glass world it was Alice that said,
"I've a sceptre in hand, I've a crown on my head.
Let the looking-glass creatures, whatever they be,
Come and dine -- with the Red Queen, -- the White Queen, -- and me."

Then fill up the glasses as quick as you can,
And sprinkle the table with buttons and bran.
Put cats in the coffee, and mice in the tea,
And welcome Queen Alice with thirty -- times three.

Oh looking-glass creatures, I pray draw near!
'Tis an honour to see me, a favour to hear.
'Tis a privilege high to have dinner and tea
With the Red Queen, -- the White Queen, -- and me.

Then fill up all the glasses with treacle and ink,
Or anything else that is pleasant to drink.
Mix sand with the cider, and wool with the wine,
And welcome -- Queen Alice -- with ninety -- times nine! --


Alice

Alice, can you hear us,
Alice, can you see us,
Dear girl, here in Wonderland?
We have known you --
Only for a dream or two.
But, dear, we'll remember you. --

Oh, Alice, don't forget us.
Alice, if you let us,
We'll prove dreams can all come true.
Some day, through a mirror,
You'll get a clearer view.
'Til then, Alice, we love you.


The Loveliest Garden (deleted)

It's the loveliest garden that I've ever seen;
It's ever so sunny, and ever so green,
With rows of pink roses
To tempt all our noses,
Cool water from mountains
All splashing in fountains.

The loveliest garden in all of the land,
Completely enchanting, and ever so grand.
Its trees are so shady,
Some fortunate lady
Could walk with a parasol lightly in hand.
It's all so refreshingly clean.
The nicest and neatest
And certainly sweetest
Garden that I've ever seen.


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